My Partner cheated.....Why can't I get over it (part 2)?

PART 2: Deeper Layers of Betrayal’s Impact

The pain of betrayal is multi-faceted, often rooted in deeper psychological and emotional layers. Understanding these underlying issues can help you better address the hurt and move toward healing.

Shattered Belief in a Just World

Many people hold a belief in a just world, where good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. This belief helps create a sense of safety in a chaotic world. Its advantage is that it protects your optimism; however, its downside is that it can lead to rationalizations and victim-blaming. If you hold this belief, betrayal in a relationship puts you at risk of blaming yourself for the issue in the relationship. 

Grieving the Loss of a Just World

Grieve the loss of your belief in a just world. This process can empower you to be brave, resilient, and kind in the face of difficulties and unexpected challenges. The truth is, that bad things happen to good people, and it has nothing to do with their behaviour. To start healing, try to be less absolute in your moral vision and more relative in your perspective.

Today's Pain is Chained to Old Pain

Grief is synergistic. The pain you feel today often resonates with old, unresolved wounds, making the betrayal feel even more intense. This interconnectedness means that the current hurt is not isolated; it's chained to past traumas that have not been fully addressed. This betrayal feels extra tender because it is connected to an old wound. If your partner knew about this past pain, their betrayal can feel even more significant.

Addressing Old Pain

To move forward, it’s essential to attend to the old pain that this new betrayal is connected to. Journal about these past wounds and recognize the tools and resources you have now that you didn’t have back then. This process helps you witness your younger self and grieve the old pain, making it easier to heal.

You Haven't Yet Forgiven Yourself

Infidelity can lead to intense self-blame and a shattered sense of safety. This self-recrimination prevents you from moving forward.

Moving Beyond Self-Blame

Understand that context does not equal blame. Reflect on past actions and recognize that while you may have made mistakes, it doesn’t mean you deserved the betrayal. Beating yourself up is a dead-end road. Consider what it might be like to let yourself off the hook and embrace the philosophy: "Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better."

Secondary Gains of Withholding Forgiveness

Withholding forgiveness can sometimes offer secondary gains. It can protect you from perceived power and identity threats and allow you to maintain a sense of moral superiority and control over the person who hurt you.

Examining the Grudge

Write about what holding the grudge is protecting you from. Understand that while these secondary gains provide emotional safety, they also prevent you from moving forward. Evaluate whether the protection they offer outweighs the benefits of forgiveness and emotional relief.

Couples Therapy

In our couples therapy sessions, we delve into these deeper layers of betrayal’s impact. We help you and your partner understand the origins of your pain and work on strategies to address and heal old wounds. Our goal is to facilitate a healing process that acknowledges past traumas while building a stronger, more resilient relationship moving forward. For more information about couples therapy click here